LEGOS to be floated on the stock market

Find here the French version of this post.

Our laboratory is set to take a giant leap into the future this month with a revolutionary new approach to financial management. First and foremost, the name of the lab will change from LEGOS to “L-Solutions” or simply “L”.

“I’m super excited about our new identity” gushes CEO Frederic Marin. “We are on a journey to establish our truth, and to present a narrative that reaches out to stakeholders in an ongoing conversation about our trajectory”.

A new logo has been designed to launch us into the 21st century and beyond, with an aggressive upward trend to reflect our ambitions. “The curve shows sea level”, explains Benoit Meysignac, “but it’s important to recognise that every rise in sea level represents a new opportunity”.

Soft power mandarin Marine Herrmann is equally excited: “We’ll have to remove all those boat pictures from the corridors”, she exclaims enthusiastically. “We can replace them with motivational messages following the successful Carrefour model: Je Pluridiscipline !, or Cosavez Vous ?”.

Finances will be managed by chief economist Agathe Baritaud. “The ANR lottery is no longer sustainable as a business model”, she explains. “Our first priority is to dispense with the Euro. We will introduce our own crypto-currency, the $L, to simplify our accounting”.

Computer wizard Fernando Niño concurs: “Our computing power is currently being wasted on numerical modelling for problems that can easily be solved by AI”, he explains, “we should all be mining crypto”.

Financial guru Catherine Jolivet is more circumspect. “It’s inevitable that the $CNRS, $IRD, $CNES and UT-Francs will follow”, she exclaims, “with a variable exchange rate table integrated into Notilus to simplify the management”. The CEO admits that this is a possibility: “Without the tutelles involved there is a risk of excessive equality at the canteen”, he points out.

Scientific production will not be sacrificed. On the contrary, a new Journal called “L” will soon be a familiar sight in airports and dentist’s waiting rooms. And it will make a ton of money for the lab. Fabien Blarel has a master plan. “We’ll charge heavily for open access, and dispense with the time-consuming review process”, he explains. “Members of L can publish for free, provided they transform their entire professional networks into paying customers. It’s win-win !”.

Many of the resources of the laboratory can be put to lucrative ends. “I’m almost there” enthuses Pieter van Beek on his project to transform Thorium, Neodymium and Radium into Gold. “We’re going to be rich !”

And of course L will remain committed to our younger members. Pedagogic consultant Isabelle Dadou adopts an innovative stance: “It’s so last-century to talk about teaching and students”, she explains. “We prefer to say we are transferring competence to our clients”. Social media influencer Nick Hall is on the same page. “Frankly it’s naive to think that we can teach anything to the TikTok generation”, he laments, “they have the attention span of a goldfish. By the way – don’t forget to buy my new e-book GFD pour les nuls, it’s on special offer”.

As for 21st century transport solutions, Etienne Berthier has the final word. “I’m done with pedaling”, he exclaims with a malevolent grin. “My electric trottinette does 50 km/h down the bike path, just get out of my way !”.